Divorce: what are the kids thinking?

If you are contemplating separation – or if you are already in the middle of it – one of your concerns is probably about how the kids are going to cope and what their thoughts of it (and you) are.

Some kids will tell you – sometimes loud and clear (temper tantrums) while others become too quiet (withdrawn). But most kids find it quite difficult to actually say how they are really feeling.

This is because most kids don’t want to make the situation worse.

As “grown-ups” we have a funny way of assuming that we have to shield our kids from anything upsetting but the reality of it is that kids instinctively know that their little lives depend on us and they therefore decide to protect their parents by not saying anything that will upset you even more.

But in the safety of a chat to the school counsellor or a private therapist, children frequently reveal the same worries and for kids under 10 these are the top concerns:

·         “I just want the fighting to stop” – sometimes witnessing arguments helps kids to adjust to the necessity of separation (one of the circumstances of divorce which kids struggle with the most is where separation comes as a surprise) but constant fighting and bitterness is not something children can cope with – their essential sense of security is too challenged.

·         “I hate being in the middle” – we all know that putting our kids in the middle (“tell your mother/father to be on time cause we’re not waiting”) is a bad idea but sometimes it is more insidious. A disparaging remark about your ex – no matter how justified – is interpreted as a disparaging remark about the child ... after all half of them is that person.

·         “I feel like it’s all my fault” – little ears hear things they shouldn’t ... “everything was fine until we had kids”. But children do not understand that what is being said is a symptom of something much deeper – they take it to heart and interpret such a statement as being aimed at them or their behaviour and they believe they are to blame for the separation.

·         “Is Mum/Dad divorcing me too” – kids take everything personally – they are the centre of their own universe. Therefore something perfectly understandable to you such as “I can’t see you on Sunday because I have to work” will be interpreted by them as “Dad doesn’t want to see me on Sunday” – they don’t automatically understand that your reasoning.  

·         “I wish everything would go back to how it was before” – however difficult family life was before it is nonetheless what the kids knew – they knew how each parent operated and what to expect from each parent. And kids are creatures of habit – they don’t understand the need for the change.

Knowing the above can help parents to help their kids through divorce. You can chose where and when to have the inevitable disagreements with your ex. You can be mindful of not making negative remarks about their other parent. You can remember to explain your reasoning to your child – not assume that they understand why you can’t make it to their soccer game. You can remember to constantly reassure your child that there has been a change in living arrangements not in the family arrangement – that the two of you will always love them. Most of all you can provide ongoing reassurance, conversation, love and attention as they settle into a new normal – because kids are incredibly adaptive ... with help from the grown-ups.