Parenting after
separation is tough. As parents you are expected to make decisions for your
child in circumstances where your own relationship is strained – you may no
longer trust each other, or even like each other very much.
But what if
we add in technology - more specifically, managing kids’ use of technology?
One of the
greatest challenges in today’s modern parenting world is managing technology
use by children. The reality is that parents raising children in intact
relationships struggle with how to manage technology use. So when you add in
the complication of a child spending time in two households does managing use
of technology become impossible?
There are frequent
media reports about the growing use of technology, especially by children.
Indeed last night on ABC News there was an item about what schools can do to
encourage children to use technology by students on the previous evening there
was an item about teens being addicted to technology.
So what can parents
do when your child spends time in two households? When both parents get to make
decisions about the use of technology? What can be done to create a consistent
approach to the use of technology?
While each child,
and family, are different here are some ideas:
1.
Believe it or not, the first is to ‘let go’.
·
One of the hardest things about parenting after
separation is coming to the realisation that you cannot control exactly what
happens in the other household. Your own standards and rules, however
considered they may be, are not necessarily the only standards and rules. It’s vital to find a way to be objective
and not judgemental.
·
You should avoid conversations with the child about why
there are rules in your house and different rules in the other house. It can be
almost impossible to remain objective during such conversations. If necessary
perhaps talk instead about how each parent cares for the child and the
importance of respecting the rules in each household.
2.
The next idea needs to come after the first idea. That is
to try and talk with each other, calmly, about your concerns regarding the use
of technology.
·
You may even have such conversation with the assistance
of the child’s school or a counsellor.
·
You should focus on having a constructive conversation.
Use recent examples of how using technology, especially for extended periods,
affectionate child. For example, that when the child comes back to you after
having spent time using technology the child is revved up and experiences
difficulty to calm down. The aim of the conversation is not necessarily to
decrease, or even limit, the amount of time the child uses technology in the
other household but to instead work together to ensure that if the child does
need to use the technology at that particular time in the other house that
suitable arrangements can be put in place in your house for the child to then
have some quiet time - or to explain why that cannot occur (such as
appointments) and therefore asking that the technology time in the other house
be moved to a more suitable time.
3.
The final one is also a tough one - it is to be
consistent in the rules that are in place in your own home.
·
This helps the child to question the activity themselves
no matter what rules there are in each home - and ultimately perhaps to self
regulate. Of course this is tough at the best of times but even tougher when
children complain about having more time with technology in the other house and
are therefore upset with you for having restrictions.
·
I regularly hear from child experts that children are
remarkably adaptable - often more adaptable than adults - and hopefully with
support and patience your child will adjust to different rules between houses even
when inconsistencies exist.
Technology used by
children is here to stay. And with more and more couples separating,
co-parenting after separation will be a skill that more and more of us need.
The more willing
and able separated parents are to address difficult parenting issues together
the easier it will be for the child.
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