How to: help a friend during separation

As the separation and divorce rates continue to increase most of us will have a friend, or more likely many friends, who will experience this all too painful process at some point.

With the complexities of modern life – with everything from step-families to intricate family trusts being involved in many families – the days of armchair advice may be over; family law is such a multifaceted jurisdiction that obtaining expert legal advice is a necessity.

But what hasn’t changed is a persons need to have a friend to talk to. However, as a friend, knowing the right or wrong thing to say can be overwhelming especially considering the emotional sensitivity of the issues.

While each separation will be different – and each person too – here are a few tips for helping a friend through this stage and still keeping the friendship intact:

• Do your best to remain objective. Of course you are there for them but when you think their focus is on the wrong thing tell them so that they can begin to move on.
• Be calm and rational - point out to them when they are making decisions based only on emotion and encourage them to see that more time and research might be wise.
• Do not overly bad mouth the ex. You can listen and support without increasing the drama.
• Encourage them to get counselling, regardless of whether they feel it is needed. Everyone can use the help of a truly objective set of ears that has no motive other than to help them move on.
• Encourage them to look good on the outside, exercise, buy something new, get a new haircut, etc. This is not shallow - separation can destroy self-confidence and sometimes it takes help to rebuild it.
• Set boundaries around when to discuss their separation and when it is time to just have fun – separation can be all consuming and a break can be one of the best things.
• Remind them that this does not define their life -- it is an event in their life. And how they move through it is a reflection of who they will be.
• Help them reflect on their language to ensure they are using positive language about the future.
• Lastly -- just be there for them with open arms, love and honesty.