Parenting after separation. Aka could you go on holidays with your ex?

There’s a lot of literature out there on the effect of divorce or relationship breakdown on kids. And a lot of that mentions that kids benefit from continuing to enjoy the knowledge that they still have two parents who love them very much.

But there is a big leap between knowing that “shared parenting” is best for your kids and actually living it. And that is easily illustrated in the concept of going on holiday with the kids and your ex.

Who else has seen those photos of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore – or some other famously divorced Hollywood couple – reuniting in some fabulous exotic location, with their new spouses, and all playing poolside with the kids? As a family law practitioner it always catches my attention. Initially I usually think how the kids must, despite their parents separation, be feeling that they are still part of one big family – influenced by all the conferences I attend where experts tell me that this is the case (although without the pop culture references). But then I tend to think about ‘how’; how do the Bruce’s and Demi’s of the world do it? How do you actually go on holiday with your ex?

At first you might be wondering if this is a common practice (amongst non-celebrities) – it is. The overwhelming majority of parents who separate reach agreement about their ongoing parenting arrangements and they then work hard at creating opportunities for the kids to see that the family unit can still operate as one. And a trip away together may provide priceless memories for the kids – and you – to look back on one day. But that doesn’t mean it is easy.

First there is the emotional toll to consider. While the moments caught on paparazzi camera’s make it appear that Hollywood couples are genuinely having a wonderful time on their blended family holidays back in the real world you need to decide – honestly – if you can handle it. If there’s too much bitterness or resentment before you leave, chances are it won’t get better no matter how lovely the holiday spot. If you decide that the benefit to the kids is worth it think about ways you can lessen the emotional toll – perhaps bring a friend along or research holiday activities you can do solo for some time out.

But it is often not family squabbles or too much togetherness that can cause problems – it’s money. Even if you agree that you will split all of the expenses for the kids beforehand it’s important to consider exactly what you mean by that. What if one you thinks that the kids should be able to do every (expensive) activity on offer at a resort or theme park while the other was planning a holiday of digging sand castles and playing Marco Polo in the pool? What if your ex offers to pay for everyone to head out to an expensive restaurant for dinner because it’s their idea – are you going to feel resentful? The last thing anyone wants is for the holiday to degenerate into the old days when the two of you disagreed on how much to spend and when. So before heading away together, sit down and put in place a plan to resolve disputes should they arise.

Because at the end of the holiday it should have been an opportunity for the kids to experience a special trip with both of their parents as a family.