Something a little bit different

I recently read an article, in the Huffington Post, about an idea from the other side of the world. Norway to be exact. And no, that's not the "little bit different" referenced above.

 

It's the idea itself. Apparently, Norway's Minister for Children, Equality and Social Inclusion is trying to do something about Norway's 40% divorce rate: by encouraging couples to go on a 'date night'.

 

Solveig Horne told the Norwegian newspaper, the Aftenbladet, that she's encouraging couples to go on dates in order to rekindle their romance. Ms Horne explained "I saw the movie Date Night where an American couple try to go out to keep their relationship alive. In the film, everything goes wrong - but I thought it was a good idea."

 

If the science that says new experiences flood the human brain with dopamine (similiar to the sensations felt when first falling in love) the Norwegians could be on to something.

Christmas time?

In case you haven’t been to the supermarket lately, Christmas is coming.

For many it is a time of good will and cheer and the worst thing to be said for it is a grumble about the rush to buy last minute presents or the hustle of too many parties.

But for separating or separated parents it can be extra tough; not spending time with your children over Christmas can ruin the whole thing.

Ideally, you will have already reached an agreement with your ex to split the holidays (most often considered to be Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day) or you may actually be spending some of the time altogether.

But sometimes reality doesn’t match the ideal – and there is no agreement. What happens then?

Well, that all depends on you.

Now, your first instinct might be to respond with “no that all depends on him/her.” And, you might be right, in that your ex is being unreasonable. But, as a parent I’m sure you’ve seen that how you respond to an unreasonable toddler influences how they respond to you. We adults, at times of peak stress and anxiety, are not too different from toddlers.

My first recommendation is to take a deep breath and think about what it is about Christmas that is important to you. My second tip: get creative. And my final recommendation is compromise, compromise, compromise.

Some examples:

·       Watching your kids open presents first thing in the morning: chances are it’s important to your ex as well. Maybe you can alternate so that one year they waken at your home and then next with your ex.

·        The big family meal, sharing food and stories: maybe your family celebrate at lunch, while your ex’s have theirs at dinner or even on Boxing Day. A compromise can usually be found. And if you are both fighting for Christmas Day lunch well maybe alternate it.

·        The trip away to see family and friends: my first question to clients who raise this one is to ask what did you do during your relationship – did you go away every year? If you didn’t then maybe alternating is the way to continue. And if you did? Well many new traditions are created after separation and maybe alternating, perhaps with family coming to you every second year, is just one such new tradition.

As parents you are all good at putting your kids first and celebrating Christmas after separation is no different – my top tip is to remember that your children come first. Not getting more time with them than your ex. Or getting Christmas morning/lunch/the-whole-three-days. Or just keeping the fight going.

The kids won’t care if Christmas is different than before. They probably won’t really notice that it’s different. If Christmas is special for them and their extended family (both extended families) that’s all that matters for them.

 

So take that deep breath (or maybe two, because you probably need to take one just to brave the shops at this time of year) and remember that Christmas is a time to celebrate together with family - no matter what that looks like.  

How to: Reduce the cost of separation

In addition to the emotional strain of separation or divorce the financial cost can also be high. I’ve talked before about the impact of dividing assets between two people on longer term fiscal goals but today I want to look at how you can lessen the cost of the separation itself.

1. Choose your lawyer carefully

While your first inclination may be to go out and hire a “big gun” to make sure you take your ex for every dollar, that's probably not the best way to go. The reasons for this are many but basically they can be summarised as: the family law system is not based on this adversarial approach and as such you may be throwing good money after a result that just cannot eventuate.

Instead, let your emotions cool and do your research to find the best solicitor for you: view firm websites, speak to family and friends for referrals, or contact your State or local Law Society. It is usually far more important to try and get the right personality than the hired gun.

2. Be honest with your lawyer

This may not seem to be a money saving measure, but in Australia there are rules making the disclosure of all relevant information between you and your ex mandatory which means that your lawyer is going to need the information at some stage anyway so being honest upfront is far more cost effective as it will save having to have multiple meetings with your lawyer.

Also, non disclosure of relevant information is one reason why a legal property division can be overturned in the future – so if you are honest you could be saving yourself a lot of legal fees in the long run.

3. Get some advice on the practicalities

Ask your lawyer about what practical measures you should be taking to protect yourself from other expenses – such as, whether it is recommended to close joint bank accounts or transfer utilities between you and your ex in accordance with who is using them. Getting the right advice on this step can save you lots of time and money in the future.

4. Try to negotiate an agreement

Once you have had initial legal advice regarding your rights and responsibilities try and schedule some sit-down time with your ex to see if the two of you can come to a basic agreement that can then be turned into a legal document by your lawyer.

Obviously this isn’t always possible – due to family violence issues or your ex refusing to participate – but if you are able to reach an agreement with your ex your legal fees are going to be much lower.

5. Keep communication to a minimum

Be efficient in how you interact with your lawyer: make sure you comprehend our advice and if not ask us again, jot down your questions and ask them in the one phone call or meeting, make a summary of documents that need to be gathered together or things that need to be done.

Changes

You might have noticed my absence over the past month.

I have recently changed firms.

I am now at Mullane & Lindsay Solicitors.

Now that I've settled in here new posts will be coming shortly.

How to: help a friend during separation

As the separation and divorce rates continue to increase most of us will have a friend, or more likely many friends, who will experience this all too painful process at some point.

With the complexities of modern life – with everything from step-families to intricate family trusts being involved in many families – the days of armchair advice may be over; family law is such a multifaceted jurisdiction that obtaining expert legal advice is a necessity.

But what hasn’t changed is a persons need to have a friend to talk to. However, as a friend, knowing the right or wrong thing to say can be overwhelming especially considering the emotional sensitivity of the issues.

While each separation will be different – and each person too – here are a few tips for helping a friend through this stage and still keeping the friendship intact:

• Do your best to remain objective. Of course you are there for them but when you think their focus is on the wrong thing tell them so that they can begin to move on.
• Be calm and rational - point out to them when they are making decisions based only on emotion and encourage them to see that more time and research might be wise.
• Do not overly bad mouth the ex. You can listen and support without increasing the drama.
• Encourage them to get counselling, regardless of whether they feel it is needed. Everyone can use the help of a truly objective set of ears that has no motive other than to help them move on.
• Encourage them to look good on the outside, exercise, buy something new, get a new haircut, etc. This is not shallow - separation can destroy self-confidence and sometimes it takes help to rebuild it.
• Set boundaries around when to discuss their separation and when it is time to just have fun – separation can be all consuming and a break can be one of the best things.
• Remind them that this does not define their life -- it is an event in their life. And how they move through it is a reflection of who they will be.
• Help them reflect on their language to ensure they are using positive language about the future.
• Lastly -- just be there for them with open arms, love and honesty.

Times change, naturally so too does divorce

Over the years family law (to use the broader term for ‘divorce’) has altered quite dramatically – with the single most significant reform being the introduction of the Family Law Act in 1975.

The introduction of ‘no-fault divorce’ and later the recognition of superannuation as a financial asset in property division and more recently the extension of property division legislation to de facto couples (to name but three) are not only substantial legal developments but represent, either as a portent of change or maybe even a generator of change, the immense societal change that has occurred over the past 40 years, including:

 

• The rate of marriage has decreased

Sometimes there will be a headline claiming that the rate of divorce is down. And in some individual years it is, compared to the previous year. But, in an historical context, of more significance is the fact that the rate of marriage is down.

 

Nowadays, many couples choose to live together in de-facto relationships before marriage, and increasingly, instead of marrying at all. And they do so without the social repercussions that would have occurred in the past – employers don’t discriminate on the basis of living arrangements, banks lend de facto couples money for a home, and schools enrol children whose parents are not married. Think about how our grandparents or great-grandparents would have talked - such a choice would have been scandalous one or two generations ago.

Whatever the greater societal reasoning, since 2009 (in many states, 2010 in the others) the Family Law Act has applied to both married couples and de facto couples who separate and wish to divide their property and it has applied to the parenting arrangements for children of de facto couples for significantly longer – meaning that the law, now the same for married or de facto couples, better reflects society.

• More often it is the female partner that initiates property division or seeks parenting arrangements

There are any number of reasons why a couple may separate – for which either person in the relationship may be responsible – but increasingly women are initiating the legal separation.

And it is often said that this is attributable to two things: societal acceptance of separation and financial independence. From an historical perspective many women felt they had to be married to achieve financial stability, however, today women are more likely to be educated and in paid employment – they are in a position to see marriage (or a long-term relationship) as a choice, and not a necessity. Not only are they more financially independent but as the social stigma of divorce has dissipated they can also rely on both family and friends for emotional and practical support.

I also believe another reason may be that cases decided by the family law Courts over the years have encouraged a faith that contributions made throughout the relationship will be properly recognised in any property division, including:

• the recognition of superannuation as an asset available for division  - a significant development, as in the past some couples had no other assets available for division and the husband (historically the gender with the greater superannuation interest) would retain the entire superannuation despite the contribution made by the wife who had raised the children and kept the home thus allowing the husband to work and accumulate the superannuation; and
• the recognition of the Court’s powers to obtain assets held by companies and trusts  - another significant development, as there have been numerous instances of assets being placed in the ownership of separate legal entities although often practically speaking that entity is one of the parties, meaning that without the extension of the Court’s powers the asset may not be available for division.

• That “grey divorce” is increasing

Something is a trend when it gets its own name – and separation later in life is definitely on the increase. A steady rise in life expectancy, the budding number of women who are financially independent and the increasing social acceptance of separation are all said to be behind this trend.

Three questions kids ask about separation and divorce

From what my clients have told me over the years, children tend to ask the same kinds of tough, wrenching questions about separation and divorce – sure, the words they use and their attitude will depend very much on the individual child and their circumstances (such as gender and age) but at essence it boils down to just three questions.

The good news is that, according to the counselors I speak to, parents don't have to have all the answers. Instead it’s about looking beyond the question and getting at what kids are really asking for – affirmation, comfort, and reassurance. Because, at the end of it all they want to be assured that you love them no matter what, it’s about being ready to listen and respond in a way that will help your kids get through this time.

Here are some tips on the three most common questions:

1. Why? From "why did you stop loving each other" to "why are you doing this," kids often ask about the big-picture reason behind your decision to separate. The counselors say that the reason behind this question is a fear that if Mum and Dad can stop loving each other, they might stop loving their kids, too. So you need to assure your child that love between parents is very different from a parent's love for their child. Your love for them is permanent and will never change. The answer to this question is not the details of why you're separating but instead, reassure your child that you are still a family, just a different kind of family.

2. Is this my fault? Young children, especially, are self-centered. This is not their fault – its biology. So they can't help wondering if they are somehow at fault for your split. Again, the most important thing here is to assure your child that your love for them is unconditional. They need to know their parents' complicated relationship has nothing to do with them -- they are not the cause of the divorce. They will always be loved and that will never change.

3. Where will I live? Make sure you have agreed on a plan - even a temporary one - before you break the news to the kids. Tell them where they will be, when, and for how long. In some circumstances it might be a good idea to tell them that they can express their feelings about these arrangements to you any time they need to. And always speak respectfully about your ex, their home and their extended family in your answers – while it can be tough to do, this is about giving the kids some reassurance not about how you might feel.

*The above does not necessarily apply to teenagers but it can – the questions and attitude is likely to be different but the need for reassurance is probably still at the root of it all.